thomas Posted February 28, 2003 Share Posted February 28, 2003 k heres a short story the underlined words are for some stupid vocabulary home work BTW I know htese words are easy but here I couldn't think of any "hard" ones with out spending time browsing the dictionary. oh and I rate it PG-13 for gore and violence.-note all weapons mentioned ca be found here www.gungfu.com The ronin got up from his futon and snuck near the pandemonium. The guards were all trained in the wushu and were fiercely armed and armored. Killing them and the Shogun would be tough. Without the bushido to debilitate him the ronin was glad he was ostracized for once, and now he would kill the man who took away his pride and honor. With great celerity the ronin leaped out of the bushes and decapitated the first guard. The other three guards now dazed by the swiftness and ferocity of their opponent, they clumsily pulled out their swords to attack. The ronin now aware that the other guards had realized his attack swiftly bludgeoned one the guards in the head with a meteor hammer and slashed the others windpipe. The fourth guard was intimidated by this demon warrior and sprinted inside the pandemonium to warn the acolytes and the Shogun. But the ronin and already shot a flying weight though his abdomen. The guard quickly fell to the floor choking up blood. Once inside the insidious chamber the ronin swiftly killed the first acolyte to be seen, the steel of his Katana easily pierced the acolyte’s forehead spilling blood everywhere. Yet the ronin wasn’t satisfied but further infuriated. A decisive decapitation with his tanto sent what was once the acolyte’s head flying off the blood caked blade. “What the hell are you and what do you want with me!” screamed the Shogun seeing this man mutilate one of his acolytes.” What do you want with me?” the Shogun whimpered realizing his doom and the foolishness of berefting his acolytes of weapons. “My name is Kenji I am from what was once the Serpent clan. You killed my father, enslaved my people and ostracized me from my clan, and now you will die,” the ronin told the Shogun pulling out his blood caked katana from its scabbard of jade. The Shogun’s acolytes fled in pandemonium. Rushing past the lone warrior who had massacred several guards and mutilated one their highest acolytes. “You shall not leave this room alive, Shogun!” boomed the ronin charging the Shogun valiantly. The ronin attacked the Shogun, the steal of his sword kissing the Shogun’s sword with every blow weakening the Shogun. The Shogun staggered backwards but before the Shogun could keep his tattered honor by committing seppuku the ronin leaped at him plunging his tanto into the Shogun’s throat and with his katana slashing open the Shogun’s abdominal sack causing the Shogun’s intestines to spill out every where. “May my father’s spirit rest in peace now,” whispered the ronin as he solemnly walked out of the pandemonium. Revenge may be sweet to some but this was bitter and somehow he didn’t feel content. tell me if you like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted March 13, 2003 Author Share Posted March 13, 2003 jebus guess no one read it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanguard3000 Posted March 13, 2003 Share Posted March 13, 2003 It's pretty good. Very "Hong Kong Blood Opera"-esque. I like the bittersweet ending, too.But for the love of all that is holy, man! Make paragraphs! :)I think the fact that your story is all one big paragraph is very discouraging to the potential reader. Try to separate it into more paragraphs. Also, note that a new paragraph should begin when someone begins talking. For example:Yet the ronin wasn’t satisfied but further infuriated. A decisive decapitation with his tanto sent what was once the acolyte’s head flying off the blood caked blade.“What the hell are you and what do you want with me!” screamed the Shogun seeing this man mutilate one of his acolytes.” What do you want with me?” the Shogun whimpered realizing his doom and the foolishness of berefting his acolytes of weapons.“My name is Kenji I am from what was once the Serpent clan. You killed my father, enslaved my people and ostracized me from my clan, and now you will die,” the ronin told the Shogun pulling out his blood caked katana from its scabbard of jade.Also, your grammar leaves something to be desired, and the vocabulary is a bit repetitive (you used the word "pandemonium" about five times).But despite these problems, it's a very good, action-filled story. You sure know your stuff about the weapons of the Far East (I looked at the site, and I learned about some pretty neat weapons). Or at least, you're good at pretending to know these things. Just kidding. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas Posted March 13, 2003 Author Share Posted March 13, 2003 yea I had to use weird words like pandemonium several times because it was for school and we had to write a paragraph using these words :P Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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