GhostHunter Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoon Knight Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 Excellent stuff, Ghost. Keep writing! I want to hear the rest of this story!I like this style of writing - you're writing her thoughts as they form, intertwining them with the story's progression. It creates a genuine air of suspense. I'm afraid you've got me interested now, and failure to continue writing this piece of work, which has promise to be brilliant, will result in a lynch mob at your door. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanguard3000 Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 What Dragoon said.Interesting-sounding story, and well written. I hope to see more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seal89999 Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Excilent Ghost! I really love how your work in so much detail, it really adds to the beef of the story. I also liked the thoughts concept. It works well in these high stress/suspence situations. Keep it up! Looking forward to more....and as Dragoon said.....lack of more will result in a lynch mob... :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snc4113 Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 You know how I feel about it. Excellent work.. and of course, I agree about the lynch mob. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ordos45 Posted April 26, 2004 Share Posted April 26, 2004 Interesting indeed. :) You get a real feel for the character and her nervousness about all of what's going on, as well as the sense of her knowing she's just a pawn in a much larger picture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GhostHunter Posted May 2, 2004 Author Share Posted May 2, 2004 Okay, I said two chapters would be done but its only going to be this one considering its a little bit lengthy.Chapter TwoGod will avenge our deaths, for we are his greatest children- Turb Ewicthz: last recording of the 5th legion The pungent scent of death arose from the training ground, a 7th legion soldier stood victorious over a lifeless corpse. Slowly he put his dagger back into its sheath and bowed; honoring the old dueling tradition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vanguard3000 Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 There are two things in particular that I liked about this chapter. The first is your backstory regarding wormhole-travel. Methods of interstellar travel in sci-fi always interests me, and this is no exception. I like how the process involved is still, after so very many years, largely a mystery. Only it's long-dead inventor may have truly understood the process completely. It's interesting that he would have considered himself to be a messiah of sorts, bringing civilization to the stars. And if no one else over ten millenia (do I have that right?) has been able to figure out what he was doing, could he not be considered a sort of saviour to the people? I hope to read more about this Ballin, which would presumable be closest to uncovering the mystery.Another thing I liked was the idea of people challenging the Legionnaires for money. It's an interesting way for this great military force to prove its power to the universe. If a sixteen year old trainee can beat some of the best challengers, then who would dare go up against the entire Legion?As far as the technical aspect goes, I think it was well-wriiten. I like how you chose to show the reader Talon's thoughts and observations, such as the slight grin his trainer bears at one point. This in itself almost shows his training, how he has been tought to notice the subtlest body language. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snc4113 Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 OMG! I told you, and you know it, that you're an awesome writer. Great job! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inoculator9 Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 Excellent job Ghosthunter :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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